The Manifesto of squish.
This does contain some strong language, so read at your own discretion, I suppose.
I've always hated myself, and people are very well aware of it. I've always struggled socially, mentally, physically, et cetera. I'm just a young, stupid teenager that doesn't know anything about life yet still tries to prove I can do things, even when I know I can't do it. I can't do much, and never have been able to. I'm writing this today because I can't deal with this pain any longer. I've kept this pain inside for nearly five years and it's ruined my entire life. I'm a shell of the man I used to be, if I could even be called a man in the first place. But it's too late to think back and change the past. Read on in you feel like it, otherwise just leave, and don't bother.
I guess the root cause of the pain could be traced all the way back to mid-2017. My mother, at the time, was the closest person to me in my life. She supported me because I couldn't make friends, always helped with my homework, everything. I was only in grade 3, I think, at the time, but I still remember many details. It's the one of the only parts of my life between 2010 and 2021 I really remember, otherwise my memories have all been cleared. It was around this time my mother began to go to university because she wanted to help the less fortunate, the misplaced, homeless, et cetera. Basically, she worked at a housing unit for people who had no one to talk to and no where to go. She began working in late-2018 and from that point on, I didn't see her much. Through 2019 and until mid-2020, I hardly ever spoke to her, but the times I did were the times in my life I enjoyed most.
But then that one day came. On the 16th of May, 2020, my greedy self decided "I'm not content with what I have, let's go to a shopping centre far from home!"
When we got back home, she had passed away. My father has still hidden the truth from me, but I speculate it was from a heart attack. But it's that's not the part that hurts most. It's the fact that I was greedy, and left my own mother, who I knew had a history of heart issues in her family, alone, out of reach of any phones to call for help, or anyone who could help her. I was the one who caused her death and to this day, I still hate myself for it. I kick myself every day over it. I cried myself to sleep for over two years because of it. I hate myself for it and I will never forgive myself. Saying that I've tried to kill myself tens of times because of it would be an understatement. For the year I couldn't remember much. The last thing I remember was her funeral in pristine detail. I then left to go home. This is where it all started.
For as long as I could remember, I've been a pussy. I could never talk to people my own age, or people at all, to be honest. I found peace in being alone and reading. As a matter of a fact, I only really made a proper "friend" around the fourth grade, but even then, just a year later I was alone again. It was during this time my mother was incredibly close to me, supporting me in my quest of sorts to find a place I belonged. After she passed, I just became an absolute dick. I was angry, sad, annoyed at everyone. If I thought I couldn't speak to people before I definitely could not now. My mind was shattered and I was left to pick up the pieces alone.
But then my dad announced we were moving states. I don't really remember how I felt. All I can recall is just feeling a mix of sadness and relief. I was leaving behind the place I grew up for 12 years for a place I'd hardly ever been to.
Yet, when I got to this new place, it felt like a breath of fresh air. We had an ok-looking house, and while it was a bit small, it helped me to forget the grief and pain that was still very much attached to me. This feeling barely lasted a month, however, as the second I started grade 7 I lost myself again. I said it before but it was especially prevelant back then; I was a complete pussy. I could not talk to guys my age, let alone girls, I was ugly as fuck and couldn't manage at all. I became known as the "nerd" for my somewhat ok-ish grades in most subjects, but I still hated my time there. During the time I spent at that school, I guess you can say I underwent a lot of changes. In year 7, a complete pussy. In year 8, I liked a girl and tried to make myself seem a bit "cooler," even though I was just cringey and awkward. It got so bad that once the girl rejected me she made a group chat with all her friends and procedded to talk shit about me for the next few weeks. Grade 9 was similar until around March, where I finally had a girlfriend. We dated for a bit but she cheated on me. It was around this point where I guess I started getting "taken advantage of" by girls who just thought I was hot or something (it was around this point I began to actually look my age). By the time I turned 15 I had gone through three more relationships, and two of those girls ended up cheating on me.
I caught my last girlfriend cheating on me with another guy at a party. I'd always thought she seemed a bit slutty or something, and catching her with this guy just proved my fucking point. I won't go into detail but I'm sure you can imagine. My heart was fucking destroyed. She said to me "I'm not going to do what those other girls did, I won't break your heart" and she lied to my face. Our relationship only lasted a few months but she was the one I was closest to since my mother died. I left her there, crying on the ground, begging me to take her back, left the party and blocked her for good. We were done and I was done with girls. To this day I rarely even speak to the girls I usually talk to. I guess I could consider them friends but it's too hard for me to explain.
I guess you could say the "hero" to me is my friend Sarah. I met her on Discord in August 2023 and she's always been complimenting me, helping me, and I return the favour. If she ever sees this I just want her to know that I love her for that, not necessarily romantically, but as a friend. She's probably the person who is closest to me as of this moment.
I now like this girl in my grade called Sami. I don't exactly know why I like her, I've hardly even spoken to her, and I know for a fact she wouldn't return these feelings. I don't know how this developed after all the shit I've been through. I don't want her to think I'm creepy so I won't talk to her. I used to be so good at talking to women, or disregarding feelings without a second thought. My mind is ruined and my heart is broken, I guess. That's all I can say. But even so, I still dream of being with her, I guess. It sounds creepy and honestly, probably is creepy. She'd never go out with an emo-looing fuck, with a voice so deep and mumbly that you can barely understand it, like me.
When year 9 ended, I moved to a new school, hoping to leave behind all the shit I did at that old one. I met this girl (who I now know is just a total slut) called Capri. She seemed nice enough, and told me some things about her past, so I said some things about what I'd done and my previous relationships. Needless to say, that was one of the worst fucking mistakes I've ever made in my entire life, other than what I mentioned earlier. She told absolutely everyone and I became the laughing stock of my grade. I told this one kid, Tyler, or as he is known online, Tystreems (go harrass him, I don't care) about my website, squish.cafe because he wanted to talk on the chatroom. I told him to not show it to anyone else and he went and did exactly fucking that. The entire grade knows about my website and I can't escape the shit they give me for it. I shut it down and put a fake "Thanks for your IP :)" message on it to mess with their heads but I'm mad. My entire fucking life over the last eight months has just been reduced to atoms because of one idiot who won't show remorse for what he did, who knows what he did, and intentionally spread other rumours to fuck up my reputation. He went around telling the entire school I was gay, telling them I was "he/them," when he very well knew this school hates those who are part of the LGBTQIA+ community. This racist, sexist, homophobic motherfucker ruined my life here and I hope all 33 thousand of his followers know he is like that. I hope he gets cancelled or jumped in real life, because either way I would not give more than half a shit. I hate this kid, I hate Capri, and all those other fuckers that think they can talk shit about me because I existed. Nick, Krish, Austin, Lennox, Declain, Sebastian, all of them. I hope they die or are forgotten by whoever is closest to them. I hope they suffer forever and they get what they deserve. I know this sounds cringey but I hate them with a passion and I hope they die a slow and painful death. They can go fuck themselves for ruining the one thing I still cared about.
I've been online forever but only really started becoming more active the internet around 2022. Being the pussy I was back then, I got a lot of shit from everyone, and I found the best thing to do was ignore them all. I got a lot of shit because I just openly admitted I did not have a mother, I joined Minecraft servers about politics and thought I was knowledgeable on the subject when I really wasn't. I just decided to give up on this, ending the servers I was in, such as the DemoSMP222. Oh, the good memories with some actual friends. I was exploring the world yesterday with the owner (a friend) and we had a lot of fun, but it's too late to go back and actually change what I said.
Although it wasn't all bad, I suppose. In 2022 I did meet one of my now-best friends, Demonic (not going to say his actual name) and we do work on Squish Town together. He's in the same boat as me, knowing shitty people and having a questionable home life. But I can't help him at all, nor can he help me.
If you've read any of my blogs (all deleted now) you would know that I worked a lot on Brick Hill and old Roblox revivals recently. It was just the same thing over and over again, with me thinking I knew something, but actually not knowing it in the slightest. I am stupid, I'm a dumbass, and I know it. I probably won't get anywhere in life outside of web development which is a topic I am now familiar with, even if I was not back then.
Honestly, there's too much to cover in the manifesto, so just know that I've never had an excellent reputation in the online space. The space I spent most of my time on I hate. But I'm the only one to blame for that. Long story short, I now work on my platform, Squish Town, and use it to cover up the feelings that are starting to become more and more exposed with each passing day.
As it tends to go with people my age, I thought I could handle myself. I thought I was ready to just leave home and go out into the world. But the contents of this manifesto say otherwise. For years I guess I disregarded my father's efforts to help me and it's led to me being a cold, stupid idiot. I'm not good at anything and I did a lot of shit I regret just because I chose not to listen to my father. He was right, and he always has been. If you're reading this, Dad, just know that I'm sorry for all the time I've spent being cold, being a bitch, being stupid just because I didn't listen to you. It's all my fault because I disregarded your actions. I'm truly sorry and hope you can accept my apology.
I cannot say the same thing for my brother. I know I'll probably get ridiculed for this but my brother does not seem to have actually ever cared about my wellbeing. He just wants to use me for what he sees fit. Being younger than me, albeit only by a year and a half, he is annoying, immature, demands things from me constantly, treats me like shit, and never once has cared about how I feel. If I don't want to do something with him, he'll go to my dad and beg my dad to make me play with him. My dad just usually gives in to avoid fighting it. But it's reached a breaking point. I feel like absolute shit 24 hours a day and he is very well aware. I recently mentioned how I have poor mental health to my dad while he was in the car and he just fucking told me "stop being depressed." I am sick of being around him, and I am sick of him thinking he can just push me around because I'm older and I can't really "tell" on him anymore. The amount of stress this kid causes me is beyond what you could imagine. I'm done with him and want to leave home the second I turn 18, and when that time comes around I'm blaming it on him.
I really shouldn't speak about him like this. He's my brother, after all, so who am I to speak.
This grief and guilt has hung over me for years and never left. I've never told this to anyone and never will tell it to anyone outside of the people who read this. It's just here for whoever can find this site, this manifesto, and those who bother to read my words, those who decide to pay attention to me instead of just leaving me to suffer like they all have for God knows how many fucking years at this point. I know I'm just being an overdramatic teenager but I don't care. Whoever finds and reads this, thank you for making it to the end.
And just for one last time, I want to remember all the people that helped me along the way to this point. The people that actually cared about me. The people that didn't ridicule me or fuck with my mind. The ones that were here for me. Thank you to all of those people.
Signed,
SquishyTanks.
Last modified: 09-05-2024.